Day 5 – the fuck?

Why? Why, is not shoving food in my face so fucking difficult 😂😂

Knowing each day I don’t commit is another day further away from my goals is ludicrous. How does it make sense when you’re a perfectly logical, reasonable person in literally every other aspect of life?

I ordered some pictures when I knew I was going to be starting this journey. They’re pictures of when I felt good, although at the time I still felt fat!

Was I a uk size 14? Yep. Completely. And I felt fat. I always have been the chunky one in a friend group. My oldest friend was like a uk size 6/8. All my other friends were probably a size 10 max. So for me, being a 14, I thought I was the size of a house. And now, I think how sad it was that I didn’t just enjoy myself as I was at the time. Now I’m fat. But I’d give pay a lot of money to be able to click my fingers and look like that again.

I see a lot of posts about binge eating, dieting etc. I follow loads on social media. The binge eating ones tell me that it’s an emotional void I’m trying to fill. Maybe it is. They keep telling me I need to work out what it is. What do you do if you don’t bloody know?!

Life isn’t perfect, I don’t know who’s is really. But an emotional void making me eat. I dunno. I’m not sure that’s right, if it is then it’s buried deep in my psychology somewhere because I can’t work it out.

My upbringing wasn’t healthy emotionally or with nutrition. More than anything I think it’s 3 decades of bad habits that just feel insurmountable. When I binge, I know what I’m doing, I’m aware. But the craving, the need to binge fully dominates all reasonable thought. The reasonable thoughts don’t go away. The madness is just louder and more controlling.

But at the end of the day, that side of me, its still fucking me! So how is it I don’t make better choice when I’m the only fucker making them?

Who knows?

I have to wake up everyday, knowing its a new day. That better choices do await me and I can make those better choices. Maybe I need a mantra? “I’m in control. I am capable”. At this point, I’ll take all the novelties I can.

Day 1 – Positive Start

Today was the first day of knuckling down and getting some fat burnt off. I’d give myself a solid 7/10 for effort today and I’ll take it. Room for improvement isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Strong start this morning

2l of water and I wanted to try this pre-workout gel from my protein. I’m not the biggest fan of exercise and I wanted to see what difference, if any, it made. The taste is not excellent but I definitely felt a nice little rush which is what I wanted.

Cut to me dancing around like I was in the back of a Whitney Houston music video for 20mins blasting all out 80s tunes.

Toasted 🙌

Followed by 2 lovely toasted bagels with jam. These have pretty decent fibre and protein macros, the calories are on the higher side but they’re so worth it.

It got to about 3.30pm and I was starving so I did have to have myself a little snackaroo. The best thing about the almond milk is how low the calories are 👌

And then on to the final evening meal

The fella was very lucky and had a toad in the hole. I could have had the Yorkshire but I didn’t want to use the calories on it in the end. Have to say though, I love my own roast potatoes.

So it’s not been a bad day all in all. Yes I did also have a bag of skips (71 calories) and yes I had a smidge of actual chocolate as well. But honestly this is the first day in weeks where I am being open about my calorie intake. Also that 2l of water has been smashed and I can’t remember the last time I did that either.

Tomorrow could be far worse. Mondays tend to be trigger days for me. I’m not a massive fan of my job. Like a lot of people, I don’t hate it, it’s OK, but I don’t wake up looking forward to my day. More often than not, that then leads me to the shop in the morning for an energy drink, chocolate, biscuits, a pastry, the whole fucking shop really. It’s emotional eating I suppose. Quite literally trying to fill a void because, at least in a ‘professional’ capacity, I am certainly unfulfilled.

For some people that’s not a problem. I remember my uncle once said to me, “I work to live, I don’t live to work”. As a bit of a self-confessed work-aholic, I love working. But right now, I don’t. And that may be a problem that is going to need to be fixed.

Right now though, not a bad start. I’m proud of myself for committing to the day as much as I could. Sounds silly to some I’m sure. But my weight has been a literal heavy burden since I was about 10 and started to notice that it made me different. I’ve never not been overweight, fat or obese for 2 decades. And hopefully, this is the start of the end of the obstacle that is my own body.

Wish me luck for day 2!

Hello a new way of life….

First post of a new blog. I’ve never actually had a blog before. After spending the best part of 2 decades eating everything and not moving as much as I should, I have rocketed to 220 pounds. Want to keep this anonymous because obviously it isn’t something I am particularly proud of.

But I need to stay accountable for my actions somehow and that’s where I thought this may come in handy. And the thing is, I’m actually really good at being fat. I love food. LOVE food. And I’m so good at being lazy. I could binge watch crap all day and eat my way through it.

One of the reasons I’ve managed to get like this and stay like this for so long, is that a little bit of me is ok with it. Life is too short to care about the size of the slice of cake or to count the biscuits. So why not? Yes I’ll have a cocktail and extra cheese on my pizza. Of course!

But, because life is short, shouldn’t I be taking care of myself? Don’t I want to feel healthy and energised? Don’t I want to be able to move around independently for as long as possible? Don’t I want my partner to be proud of me? The answer, is yes. Of course!

So, here we go for the millionth time. An attempt at weight loss, a change to habits and attitude. I can do this. Surely?