Day 5 – the fuck?

Why? Why, is not shoving food in my face so fucking difficult 😂😂

Knowing each day I don’t commit is another day further away from my goals is ludicrous. How does it make sense when you’re a perfectly logical, reasonable person in literally every other aspect of life?

I ordered some pictures when I knew I was going to be starting this journey. They’re pictures of when I felt good, although at the time I still felt fat!

Was I a uk size 14? Yep. Completely. And I felt fat. I always have been the chunky one in a friend group. My oldest friend was like a uk size 6/8. All my other friends were probably a size 10 max. So for me, being a 14, I thought I was the size of a house. And now, I think how sad it was that I didn’t just enjoy myself as I was at the time. Now I’m fat. But I’d give pay a lot of money to be able to click my fingers and look like that again.

I see a lot of posts about binge eating, dieting etc. I follow loads on social media. The binge eating ones tell me that it’s an emotional void I’m trying to fill. Maybe it is. They keep telling me I need to work out what it is. What do you do if you don’t bloody know?!

Life isn’t perfect, I don’t know who’s is really. But an emotional void making me eat. I dunno. I’m not sure that’s right, if it is then it’s buried deep in my psychology somewhere because I can’t work it out.

My upbringing wasn’t healthy emotionally or with nutrition. More than anything I think it’s 3 decades of bad habits that just feel insurmountable. When I binge, I know what I’m doing, I’m aware. But the craving, the need to binge fully dominates all reasonable thought. The reasonable thoughts don’t go away. The madness is just louder and more controlling.

But at the end of the day, that side of me, its still fucking me! So how is it I don’t make better choice when I’m the only fucker making them?

Who knows?

I have to wake up everyday, knowing its a new day. That better choices do await me and I can make those better choices. Maybe I need a mantra? “I’m in control. I am capable”. At this point, I’ll take all the novelties I can.